I believe I am in the midst of what one would call a midlife crisis.
There have been several things going on in my life lately that I am having trouble grasping. I have had a few rocky years in my marriage of ten years, relationship of almost 15. When I married my husband my two boys, from my previous disaster of a marriage, were part of the deal. As they grew from little boys to teenagers the challenges have changed quite a bit. Our biggest worry was not about being to the Little League game. Instead we had issues with the oldest boy got in with the wrong crowd as a teenager.
As our problems changed so did our attitudes. My husband and I have fought constantly about things that my oldest boy had done. My husband, not having biological children of his own, did not understand the parental bond, especially a mother’s bond. He would do things such as kick him out of our house. This was really hurtful to me and put quite a strain on our relationship.
Another problem I have is my husbands lack of trust. I had become friends with someone he knew and I was looking things up on the internet for this friend because he had no computer. The friend and I would communicate mostly through text messages and the occasional phone call. I have to admit I liked the attention. I felt like I was lacking this attention from my husband due to all of the fighting going on. This friend and I texted quite a bit, but there was never anything inappropriate said. The conversations had to do with trucks or sports. Even as a women I have knowledge in that department. I was texting late one night and my husband got upset and had a big explosion where he called the guy and told him to stay away from me.
I feel my midlife crisis is coming from feeling inadequate, feeling unloved, and feeling like I have not accomplished much in life. My children are now 20 and 16 and do not seem to need me like they did before. I do not have a career to speak of, I have only ever had minimum wage jobs with no chance of advancement and my marriage is rocky due to many different things.
Right now I feel lost in what I am doing. It is hard to feel this way, not knowing my purpose. Life can be so difficult.I just want to go do something for me. Something that would help me feel better about myself and my life as I know it. I want to make my mark on this world in some way, shape, or form. The way I am feeling though is horrible.