Many people like myself suffer from depression. Some people know what causes their depression and others get bouts of depression and cannot explain why. I am one of the people who cannot explain why.
There are times when my depression gets so bad I do not know what to do. I will feel this overwhelming sense of sadness and despair and I cannot explain it. My problem is I feel I have no reason to be depressed and that discourages me really bad. In the past I was in a bad relationship where there was a lot of verbal and emotional abuse. I was just starting to show signs then of depression with random crying spells and feeling low.
Self esteem has always been an issue I have had to deal with from the time I was young. My teeth came in crooked and I had a bad over bite. I was always a tomboy and I liked to wear baseball caps. This led me to be picked on and ridiculed by my aunt and grandmother on my fathers side. They would tell me I did not look like the other girls my age. I was constantly compared to a neighbor girl who was only a day part in age from me. She had the long hair and wore makeup and I had short shaggy hair and buck teeth.
As I got older things changed for me. My mother got me to an orthodontist and I ended up wearing braces for almost two years. I had changed schools and had a fresh start. Nobody knew my past and that was a blessing for some of the domestic issues I had to deal with as a child. I started out with a clean slate and started making friends. I had friends from my old schools but these ones did not know my background to torture me about. It was nice. The high school years were not to bad aside from wanting to participate more in school functions but not being allowed due to conflicts in my mom and step dads schedule with work and their activities.
I was able to be cast in the fall play one year and be part of stage crew for musical also. Basketball and softball was always passions of mine. I was never able to pursue them though. This was the beginning of when I remember becoming depressed. It is hard enough being a teenager and having those hormones go crazy. My behavior was just considered part of being a teenager. I remember shortly after I graduated high school I sat on my bedroom floor crying saying I wanted to die. That is the first time I remember feeling real low that I did not want to live anymore.
I moved out of my moms house when I turned 18,I thought I had all the answers to everything. I was so wrong. I just started on a path of making bad decisions time and time again because I thought it would help me feel better. After leaving my moms house I stayed with my dad until he and my stepmother at the time kicked me out because I would not sue my mom for child support because I was in college. I dd not want to continue my education right then but I was forced into it because my mom made good money and they wanted me to pay them rent. Neither of them had a job. My mom was right, my dad never really wanted my sister and I to live there because he wanted us, he wanted to live off of my mom and getting child support from her.
It ended up I stayed with my aunt and uncle for a while and since I was there my mom was helping me start out on my own. i ended up meeting the father of my children and that is when things started going downhill for me. When I started dating the father of my children he already had a son from a previous marriage. Things moved along a little to fast and we ended up living together because I got upset with my uncle trying to tell me where i should be employed. Within a year I was pregnant with my oldest son. A little over four years later I had my second son but a lot of verbal abuse happened in that time period. I was belittled and disrespected. It was tough. I decided I was going to get a job and get out of there.
Once my youngest son was a year old I got a job at an auto parts store making deliveries. I really enjoyed that job. That is where I met my current husband. When I was going through the divorce proceedings my sister took my ex husbands side and decided she would no longer babysit for me. I had to give up my job that I absolutely loved and this devastated me. My current husband and i had just started dating and he assured me everything would be ok. I left my job and within a year Was living by him with my children. That is when it hit me. I started having severe anxiety attacks and crying spells. I eventually ended up in my local psychiatric ward. I never could figure out why once I found a man that loved me and I had my children why I was so depressed. I had no reason to be.
after I got out of hospital I started seeing a psychiatrist on a regular basis and a therapist. I was diagnosed as bipolar 2, severe depression and anxiety, and PTSD. I have been working trying to figure things out for the past 14 years. I still do not understand why when it seems like I have anything I could ever want, 2 healthy children and a loving husband, why I get so depressed. It is simply a chemical imbalance in my brain but it is hard to deal with especially when others question my illness as if I am faking it. I wish I could control it. I wish I could just make it go away but I cannot. I am simply beyond blessed but depressed.