When you are a parent sometimes it can be very difficult. I have two sons and they are polar opposites. My oldest son is 21 and he is out on his own. He pays his own bills and manages his life as an adult. My youngest son just turned 17. For me this has proven to be difficult. I had a hard time when my oldest son decided to get his own place. It literally tore me apart him not being here for me to watch over. Now my youngest son is finishing up his junior year in high school and the next year is going to go fast and many memories will be made.
Personally I wish I could have froze my kids at the age of 14 and 10. That was the most fun times. Watching them both grow up was exciting. I miss the baby and toddler years. The teenage years are more of a challenge.
As I see my youngest son start to make decisions that will affect the rest of his life I often wonder, Where did the time go? It seems like just yesterday he was in preschool and learning to tie his shoes. As a mom I find it bittersweet to see these everyday, and I do mean everyday, changes. I am so happy to see he him grow and achieve but yet I want my baby back. Trying to figure out what my purpose will be once he is out of school and on his own is challenging. It is not only challenging but I find it to be scary also. All I have ever known was taking care of my boys. I feel as though I will not have a purpose. I know the boys will always need me but it will not be the same.
This feeling of not having a purpose feeds into my depression to the point I feel like I am unwanted. Although when I think rationally I know I am needed but it is those moments when the boys are moving on I feel as if there is no place for me.
I have a lot to do this summer in order to get my son ready for his senior year of high school. He is going to have to do things such as senior portraits. Seeing him practically all grown up is nice but yet my heart aches. I do not know what I am going to do when the time comes that he is not in school anymore and I do not have the morning rituals to do.
There are some people who think I am crazy. They tell me now I have my freedom. I really do not know how to feel about this because my whole world revolves around my children and their needs. People have said I need to do more for myself but that is just not who I am. I have a feeling I am going to be lost.